Life and other things.

Wow! I haven't posted anything since June! I guess I've missed updating about tons of stuff and now I don't know where to begin. Since my last post I've gone to London, come back home, worked a lot, applied and got accepted into AUM, worked a lot. Okay, maybe I haven't done THAT much, but it feels like it.

I guess I'll start with the most recent. One night I was on the computer and randomly decided that I wanted to go to college. I didn't think much about it, I just typed in AUM.edu and put in my application. I then shot an email to the high school I graduated from and told them that I needed my transcripts sent to AUM. About two weeks later I got my acceptance package in the mail. Since then I've had a meeting with my academic adviser and registered for classes. On January 9, 2012 I will walk back into school with my head held high. I'm extremely nervous about this because I haven't been to school since 2008. I feel like my IQ has dropped and I'm not as smart as I used to be. Instead of knowing all the literary jargon I shoved into my brain senior year my brain is now full of SKU numbers and other things. But I know that will the help of my family and some smart friends I can get through this!

On to other things. Here within the last 3 weeks or so I've been following the OWS movement. I've taken it upon myself to get educated on what's been going on with this country and even around the world. A guy I watch on YouTube (Myles Dyer/blade376) inspired me to do my own research and inform myself. To quote him "Question everything and everyone." A lot of people I know are siding against the movement. What they don't seem to realize is that the protesters aren't just a bunch of college students or hippies looking for a free handouts. Many of them are people who are tired of working day in and day out just to come home broke. I could turn a blind eye and not worry about it. I live a comfortable life. I don't get everything I want, but I work hard to make sure I have everything I need. I hate my job, but I'm still there because it supplies me with health, dental, and vision insurance, a 401k plan, and it gives me gas money. I choose to not be apathetic towards other people's situations. I choose to let what happens in the world break my heart day after day. When you research (actually research and not just go by what mainstream media says) then you see that the people who are out there protesting actually have valid points. They want to see change. Sure they don't have the solutions, but the doesn't mean that they shouldn't be able to protest. They're out there to draw attention to a matter that the politicians have been ignoring.

Okay, getting off my soapbox for now. I guess that's what has been on my mind the past couple days.

Be Calm.

Apathy has set in really bad lately. I'm not sure if it's the medicine I'm taking or just because I'm so exhausted, but to be honest it's hard for me to really feel emotion. Some days I like it, but it kind of has me scared. I'm happy that I don't have as much anxiety as I have, but I would like to feel something, anything really.

Speaking of anxiety, I had small attack today. I think I handled it well. My chest started hurting and I wanted to cry for no reason, but I got through it without dying. It was the first attack I've had in like a month or so. I hate feeling like I'm crazy or that something is wrong with me. I also hate knowing that I haven't been able to shake this on my own and so I'm having to take medicine every day just to help me get out of bed and face the world with a brave smile.

So that's enough talk about me being crazy and stuff. Let's see here, I saw my mom for the first time in forever the other day! I can't wait until I spend a week with her. THEN going to London. A month can't pass fast enough! I'm just ready to get away from everything for a while. I'm tired and just need time to myself. Anyway, I think this is all I'm going to type for now. I don't know. I'm bored already with writing down my thoughts and trying to communicate how I feel and such. Blah! :)

I leave you with a song I've been pretty much obsessed with lately.

fun. "Be Calm"

If you don't let it our you're gonna let it eat you away.

Lately I've been finding myself in weird moods. Like extremely happy and extremely sad at the same time. I'm fine with how everything in my life is going, but I wish there were some things that were different. A big majority of the time I feel like I'm one big blob of monotony, and other times I can't control what's going on, what I'm thinking; everything comes out at once. My life is one big balancing act. One small thing in either direction and I crack. I guess there's more crazy talk to save for my doctor. I think that's part of the problem, I feel weird being on antidepressants. Like kind of ashamed that I couldn't take care of my own problems by myself. But then again, we can't always carry the burden ourselves. Who knows.

Anyway, Sunday the 29th would have been Alyssa's 21st birthday. I can't believe it! The last time I saw her we were both 19 years old and pretty naive. I guess nothing much has changed for me. I wish I had her attitude some days. She was probably one of the strongest people I've ever known and without her I wouldn't be here today. She held me up every time I felt like falling. I think really only one other person knows how I feel about all that. We've been trying to hold each other up lately and it's kind of working, but I know it would be better if Alyssa were here. I mean, you can't have AAA without all of us. Anyway, I think Sunday I'm just going to think about Alyssa and how wonderful of a friend she was, and still is. I feel her presence at the most random times. It's kind of comforting.

So I just felt like writing about nothing. Here, listen to some Nine Days. . .

Heavy heart on the boulevard tonight. . .

It's been around a month since my last blog post! How did I let all this time slip by? Anyway not much is new around here. Umm, let's see here. I never mentioned much about my follow up with the doctor, so yeah. I went for an Echo test and got the results a while ago. Turns out that yes one of my major arteries is leaking causing my heart to make a boom-whoosh sound. It's not terrible, just something they're going to monitor from here on out. Other than that everything is amazing. The medicine he put me on is finally helping. I switched from taking it during the day to taking it at night and that's made a big improvement. I'm not wanting to scream at people during the day and I've noticed that I'm a lot calmer than I usually am, I don't stress as much, and I sleep a little better.

I did something somewhat exciting over the weekend. Since I've kind of adopted the "live life to the fullest" motto I decided to follow through. I fell from 200 feet the other day and swung forever on a cable, strapped in with a harness. It was something definitely out of character for me, but it was a blast and something I would do in the future. I felt truly alive during that and it was an amazing feeling!

Only 3 more payments left on my London trip. I got my passport in about 2-3 weeks ago, so after May 13th I'm ready to go! I just wish that July would hurry up and get here!! But then again I don't want it here so quick because I have Panic!(and China and Steph) to go meet in May and my sister's graduation to attend in June. I can't believe that we're 4 months into this year, where has all the time gone? They really weren't joking when they said that time flies when you get older.

So, I think that's all I'm going to write for now.



I got so sick of being on my own
Now the devil won't leave me alone
It's almost like I found a friend
Who's in it for the bitter end

Our consciences
Are always so much heavier than our egos
I set my expectations high
So nothing ever comes out right

So shoot a star on a boulevard tonight
I think I'll figure it out
With a little more time
But who needs time

Turn off the lights, turn off the lights
Turn on the charm for me tonight.
I got my heavy heart to hold me down
Once it falls apart,my head's in the clouds
So I'm taking every chance I got
Like the man I know I'm not

So sick of wasting all my time
How in God's name did I survive?
I need a little sympathy
Disarm my insecurities

Our consciences
Are always so much heavier than our egos
I set my expectations high
So nothing ever comes out right

So shoot a star on a boulevard tonight
I think I'll figure it out
With a little more time
But who needs time

Turn off the lights, turn off the lights
Turn on the charm for me tonight.
I got my heavy heart to hold me down
Once it falls apart,my head's in the clouds
So I'm taking every chance I got
Like the man I know I'm not

A heavy heart on the boulevard tonight
Shooting stars watch me fall apart tonight.

Turn off the lights, turn off the lights
Turn on the charm for me tonight.
I got my heavy heart to hold me down
Once it falls apart,my head's in the clouds
So I'm taking every chance I got
Like the man I know I'm not

Insomnia 101

So, here it is almost 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have to be up at 9 so I can be at work by 10. It's going to be a long week, I can already tell.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life. When you're feeling down it's always nice to think about how many people you have supporting you. A majority of my supporters live no where around me. Besides my family here in Alabama the closest one is on the other side of Georgia. These people lift me up and are there for me every day. Any time I need to vent, or cry, or share something amazing, they are there. I know that I am loved and that God put them there to show me I'm never alone. I can conquer the world because I have the most amazing supportive friends and family. I'm going through a tough time right now, but I know that I can make it through. I know life is worth living. It may take some time, but I'll get there eventually.

Speaking of things lifting my spirits, I get to FINALLY meet my best friend!! I've known her since 2008 and in May we'll be meeting each other for the first time. She's definitely been there for me through thick and thin. We met through Panic! at the Disco's fan club Northern Downpour and I guess because of our shared obsession with the band we became good friends. Back in 2009 when I was going through some things she was constantly there for me. I can't thank her enough for being putting up with my late night phone calls and texts. Anyway, in May Panic! is coming to Atlanta and we're both going! I'm so excited and I can't wait!!!

I look back at my late night ramblings sometimes and wonder why I started writing in the first place. I think this is the only time I've actually thought about it while typing. I'm pretty sure none of this is making any sense to anyone but me. Oh well :)

So I think bed definitely a possibility now. Goodwhatever to anyone reading this.

Therapy.

This song sums up everything.


This is something that I hardly ever talk about casually. I usually tend to keep this topic to myself and those who I know I can trust and I feel comfortable with. Right now at this moment I feel the need to just tell the world about my situation, as I'm coming a little more comfortable with it. And besides I doubt hardly anyone reads this thing anyway, so why not?

Anyway, I touched on this in my last blog; my doctor's visit. I didn't go just because of the headaches. For a while now I've been feeling depressed. And I know what most people think: "Ashley, you seem happy all the time. How can you be depressed?" Well the truth is, I know how to put on a brave face. I know how to blend in and not be noticed. I know how to smile even though I feel like breaking down. I also have anxiety/panic attacks on a regular basis and some days I don't even want to get out of bed. So yeah, I'm loony, insane, mad. I'm depressed.

When I saw the doctor he prescribed me some medicine and also referred me to a counselor. I'm nervous about that. I hate talking about myself, my problems, my life. And to know that I'm going to have to spend like an hour or whatever talking about those things scares me. To have to face everything that bothers me and work through everything is like a nightmare. But I know that this is something I have to do. To truly enjoy life I have to get past the things holding me down. That's what I'm going to do. Get rid of all the demons in my closet. Start over. Become a better person. Because do you know what? I deserve it.

I. Need. Sleep.

Lately I feel like I've been running on empty. It takes me forever to fall asleep and then once I'm gone I don't want to get up.

Anyway, enough about that.

I've been having headaches for just about 2 weeks now. And not just normal headaches, but an annoying hurt that sometimes turns into an OMG-ouch-light-hurts-don't-make-a-loud-noise migraine. I went to a doctor yesterday and he said that it sounds like tension headaches that turn into migraines. So he's prescribing me some medicine to help with that. He also noticed that I had heart palpitations listed as a symptom I was having and when he listened to my heart he said it sounded like there was something leaking. I go back in about two weeks to have an Echo test done.

On a brighter note, only about 130 days until London. Holy crap I can't wait! I'm just so ready to get away from my monotonous life it's not even funny. I want to go exploring a spend a week around an accent that I'm absolutely in love with. See the homeland of my favorite show (Doctor Who)and my favorite classic rock band (Queen). I want to bring back stories that no one else in my family can tell. I want to come back a changed person who has experienced something amazing.

So I think dinner is almost ready, we're having lasagna tonight. So I'm going to wrap this up, go eat, and try to go to bed. Then wake up and go to my job that's paying for my much anticipated trip.

Yes, I am a Panic! At the Disco fangirl. . .

And I'm really not ashamed of it. I get ecstatic when I find out they're releasing new stuff. I've been watching "The Ballad of Mona Lisa" for the past hour now, I've been listening to that song since it got leaked. I'm still not tired of it. Every time I hear it, it still sounds so new. I'm sure once I get "Vices & Virtues" I'll find some other song to be my favorite, but for now this will have to suffice.

Anyway, so Panic! has been my favorite band since 2006. I used to have my MySpace all decked out in Panic! stuff. They've definitely been a big part of my life. In 2008 I joined Northern Downpour, their official fan club. I joined because I love their music and since joining I've met some of the most wonderful people. Those people have been there for me just like Panic!'s music, in good times and bad. I can't really put into words how much that means to me.

I'm patiently waiting for the new album (patience is a virtue haha :P) and in the mean time I'm going to fan girl about every little thing, because I can and I know that there are others out there doing the same thing. So I don't really know why I'm writing this, probably just to give me something to do until I decide to go to sleep. I guess it's only fitting that I leave whoever may be reading this with "The Ballad of Mona Lisa", enjoy! :)

Panic! At The Disco - New Music - More Music Videos

Panic!

February 1st. Only a few days left until the first single off of Panic's new album will be released. Like so many other fans I've been waiting for this moment for what seems like an eternity. For anybody who doesn't know Panic! At the Disco is my favorite band. They haven't released an album since "Pretty.Odd." and that was in 2008. I heard the 30 second clip of "The Ballad of Mona Lisa" today and I thought it was the best thing ever. I heard that the new album was going to sound a lot like AFYCSO, but after hearing that 30 seconds I think it will stand on it's own. I'm not sure if it's Spencer's drumming, or maybe it was a more mature sound in Brendon's voice, but it just sounds so different, and in a good way.

I'm also excited that Shane Drake is back as director for this video. He did the "IWSNT" and "NITA" videos and they were amazing, I can't wait to see what he's done with this song.

I was going to put in my whole Panic! story and tell everyone how much I love them because if not for them, their music, and Brendon's adorkable-ness, I wouldn't have my amazing NDP friends, but I think everyone knows about that.

So, since I'm about to pass out over here I think I should call it quits for the night. This time tomorrow the countdown for my birthday will be on. 21, woo! I leave you with the 30 second clip of "Mona Lisa", goodnight!

Short Blog!

This week is already a total fail. Yesterday my car wouldn't start and when I got home I found out that the timing belt broke and it's going to cost money I don't have to fix it. I've been feeling ill the past 4 days, and I'm just in a mood to curl up in bed and never leave my room. I feel like I'm more pessimistic than usual. A good thing to do when I'm in this kind of mood is to figure out one thing that makes my life brilliant. This week it's knowing that I'm half way through paying for the London trip. That one week away from everything I know has me so excited. I've never been adventurous, just really cautious, so deciding on a whim that I wanted to do this and not backing out of it is really amazing.

Work is work, not much new going on there. I cut my finger yesterday with a box cutter. Working at HFT has definitely left me with some battle scars.

Yeah, so this has been a pretty short blog. I just felt like writing something. Or maybe I'm just procrastinating. I have a load of laundry that needs to be put up. I should really get to that so it doesn't sit in the basket for days.

I'll end this with the opening credits to Roswell.

What was I going to put here?

I'm not really sure what to write today. I feel like I'm becoming repetitive and I don't like that. Let's see here. Today I woke up, dropped D off at work, went to the probate office, went to work, picked D up from work, did a little shopping for NuNu's birthday, came home and watched a bunch of videos. Wow, what an exciting life I live. I've started watching Roswell again because of a blow up alien I received in the mail. Thank God for Netflix :)

I really need to finish my novel. I haven't touched it since November 28 when I hit 50k words. I think one more chapter should finish it and then I can go back and edit. I'm already starting to get ideas about next November. I'm actually going to do research on this one and have a set plan going in. This whole winging it thing makes for a pretty crappy book. But, (paraphrasing what John Green said)the first draft of your novel will be nothing like the finished product. There's no telling what can happen when I go edit. The whole story may change. When I get more comfortable with what I have I might decide to let other people read it, but for now I know that it's not that great and I don't want to put anybody through that kind of torture.

So yeah, I think that's it for today. I leave you tonight with a quote from William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet"

"I talk of dreams, which are the children of an idle brain" - Mercutio

Hola!!

Como estas?

Yeah, enough Spanish.

Now on to more ramblings!!!

Life has been uneventful the past couple of days. I seriously think I've just worked since my last blog. That's all I ever do anymore, work, eat, and sleep. I'm going to try to make this blog a priority this year, just because I want to document just about everything in my life. I'm also planning on starting a vlog on YouTube. I just need to know if my computer will handle video editing or if I'll just end up with out of sync videos all the time.

So, my favorite pair of jeans has had it. I noticed today that they're getting really worn and I think it's about time to throw them away. Which is sad because they're my only loose pair of jean s. They're comfortable, I just got them broken in. I guess all things in life have to end eventually. RIP Favorite Jeans. You will be missed on days when I feel like no other jeans fit. May you have an amazing afterlife in my garbage.

Income tax season is here. I'm waiting on my W2's so I can do my taxes and get that refund money back. I have decided that this year I'm going to get a new tattoo and that's it. The rest of the money will be put back and saved for a rainy day. Or my trip to London. Or anything else that might come up. All in all I WILL NOT blow this refund on one thing. Maturity ftw!

Speaking of maturity (or lack thereof), I'm turning 21 in 15 days! How about that? I've been trying to figure out exactly what I want to do for my birthday. I told D and Dad that I wanted another giant cookie, but this time I want the TARDIS on it. Yeah, I'm not obsessed with Doctor Who or anything. . . .

So that's it for now. I feel like I always ramble too much when I write these things. I guess tonight I'll leave whoever may be reading this with "New Perspective" by Panic! at the Disco. Later Loves!

HELLO WORLD!! And Welcome to 2011!

2010 was quite a year. I got a new job, signed up for a trip to London, and wrote 50,000 words in 30 days. I became obsessed with Doctor Who and all things DFTBA. I've made new friends and still managed to somewhat keep in touch with old ones. I lost some weight (still trying to lose a few more pounds), and I've become me. I think this year I'm going to be the happiest I've ever been, or so I hope.

Resolutions:
- Eat healthier
- Run at least 5 days a week
- Visit places I've never been
- Donate more often to charities
- Go back to college
- Become a better person

There's nothing too special about my resolutions this year. I think they are pretty much what most people say they're going to do. Here's to hoping I can stick to them.

Things I'm excited for:
- LONDON (hey! look one resolution taken care of!)
- Doctor Who Series 6
- Panic! At the Disco's new album
- Possibly meeting on of my bestest friends! (That would be you Steph)


With 2010 out of here and the new year beginning all I can say is that I'm excited to see what's in store for me. I'm at the point in my life where I feel completely happy with who I am. The past has been rough. I've loved and I've lost. That's not stopping me from being optimistic. Sitting there and wallowing over the past is pointless. Something I've learned is that it's better to just pick up the pieces and move on. Rule #32 in Zombieland, "Enjoy the little things", they make life worth living :)

Anyway, if you read that late night rambling by your's truly, kudos! Here's a nonexistent cookie!

I leave you now with a song by Skyway Flyer. Enjoy!