Insomnia 101

So, here it is almost 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have to be up at 9 so I can be at work by 10. It's going to be a long week, I can already tell.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life. When you're feeling down it's always nice to think about how many people you have supporting you. A majority of my supporters live no where around me. Besides my family here in Alabama the closest one is on the other side of Georgia. These people lift me up and are there for me every day. Any time I need to vent, or cry, or share something amazing, they are there. I know that I am loved and that God put them there to show me I'm never alone. I can conquer the world because I have the most amazing supportive friends and family. I'm going through a tough time right now, but I know that I can make it through. I know life is worth living. It may take some time, but I'll get there eventually.

Speaking of things lifting my spirits, I get to FINALLY meet my best friend!! I've known her since 2008 and in May we'll be meeting each other for the first time. She's definitely been there for me through thick and thin. We met through Panic! at the Disco's fan club Northern Downpour and I guess because of our shared obsession with the band we became good friends. Back in 2009 when I was going through some things she was constantly there for me. I can't thank her enough for being putting up with my late night phone calls and texts. Anyway, in May Panic! is coming to Atlanta and we're both going! I'm so excited and I can't wait!!!

I look back at my late night ramblings sometimes and wonder why I started writing in the first place. I think this is the only time I've actually thought about it while typing. I'm pretty sure none of this is making any sense to anyone but me. Oh well :)

So I think bed definitely a possibility now. Goodwhatever to anyone reading this.

Therapy.

This song sums up everything.


This is something that I hardly ever talk about casually. I usually tend to keep this topic to myself and those who I know I can trust and I feel comfortable with. Right now at this moment I feel the need to just tell the world about my situation, as I'm coming a little more comfortable with it. And besides I doubt hardly anyone reads this thing anyway, so why not?

Anyway, I touched on this in my last blog; my doctor's visit. I didn't go just because of the headaches. For a while now I've been feeling depressed. And I know what most people think: "Ashley, you seem happy all the time. How can you be depressed?" Well the truth is, I know how to put on a brave face. I know how to blend in and not be noticed. I know how to smile even though I feel like breaking down. I also have anxiety/panic attacks on a regular basis and some days I don't even want to get out of bed. So yeah, I'm loony, insane, mad. I'm depressed.

When I saw the doctor he prescribed me some medicine and also referred me to a counselor. I'm nervous about that. I hate talking about myself, my problems, my life. And to know that I'm going to have to spend like an hour or whatever talking about those things scares me. To have to face everything that bothers me and work through everything is like a nightmare. But I know that this is something I have to do. To truly enjoy life I have to get past the things holding me down. That's what I'm going to do. Get rid of all the demons in my closet. Start over. Become a better person. Because do you know what? I deserve it.

I. Need. Sleep.

Lately I feel like I've been running on empty. It takes me forever to fall asleep and then once I'm gone I don't want to get up.

Anyway, enough about that.

I've been having headaches for just about 2 weeks now. And not just normal headaches, but an annoying hurt that sometimes turns into an OMG-ouch-light-hurts-don't-make-a-loud-noise migraine. I went to a doctor yesterday and he said that it sounds like tension headaches that turn into migraines. So he's prescribing me some medicine to help with that. He also noticed that I had heart palpitations listed as a symptom I was having and when he listened to my heart he said it sounded like there was something leaking. I go back in about two weeks to have an Echo test done.

On a brighter note, only about 130 days until London. Holy crap I can't wait! I'm just so ready to get away from my monotonous life it's not even funny. I want to go exploring a spend a week around an accent that I'm absolutely in love with. See the homeland of my favorite show (Doctor Who)and my favorite classic rock band (Queen). I want to bring back stories that no one else in my family can tell. I want to come back a changed person who has experienced something amazing.

So I think dinner is almost ready, we're having lasagna tonight. So I'm going to wrap this up, go eat, and try to go to bed. Then wake up and go to my job that's paying for my much anticipated trip.