Hey there, Internet!

So I realize that I kind of suck at keeping a blog. Luckily I'm writing for just myself, so there's really no reason to apologize since I'm really the only person who will read this. Anyway, a lot of things have happened since November 18, 2011. Basically the first part of December I lost my mind and was. . . hospitalized, for three days. I was in a ward, with older people that had mental problems, where I was kind of forced to think about my life and my problems, and come to terms with things. It was an okay experience. It was the first time I talked to an actual psychiatrist about my feelings and he diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder. A month later I came back for an appointment with the psychiatrist and he recommended that I start psychotherapy, so I started seeing a therapist every week for about a month. That helped too. He helped me focus on good things in my life and talked to me about setting goals and looking forward to reaching those goals. One of those goals I set was to get back to Texas, which I have accomplished. I received quite a bit of money back on my income tax check this year and with that money I moved back to Texas. Since being back I have been happier. Still stressed, because I'm not me without stress (I really wish I wouldn't stress as much, I just can't help it.) Oh, another thing that has changed since the last time I wrote anything on here. I have a boyfriend. My best friend Nikk asked me out on New Years and since then we've been together. I'm really happy with him. He's been one of the only people in my life to always accept me for who I am. He understands that I stress and he's always there to help me feel better. He makes me feel loved every day and I'm so thankful that we decided to give this a shot. So before this turns into an "Ashley loves her boyfriend soooo much" blog I'm going to go. So until next time random person who will come across this, until next time.

Life and other things.

Wow! I haven't posted anything since June! I guess I've missed updating about tons of stuff and now I don't know where to begin. Since my last post I've gone to London, come back home, worked a lot, applied and got accepted into AUM, worked a lot. Okay, maybe I haven't done THAT much, but it feels like it.

I guess I'll start with the most recent. One night I was on the computer and randomly decided that I wanted to go to college. I didn't think much about it, I just typed in AUM.edu and put in my application. I then shot an email to the high school I graduated from and told them that I needed my transcripts sent to AUM. About two weeks later I got my acceptance package in the mail. Since then I've had a meeting with my academic adviser and registered for classes. On January 9, 2012 I will walk back into school with my head held high. I'm extremely nervous about this because I haven't been to school since 2008. I feel like my IQ has dropped and I'm not as smart as I used to be. Instead of knowing all the literary jargon I shoved into my brain senior year my brain is now full of SKU numbers and other things. But I know that will the help of my family and some smart friends I can get through this!

On to other things. Here within the last 3 weeks or so I've been following the OWS movement. I've taken it upon myself to get educated on what's been going on with this country and even around the world. A guy I watch on YouTube (Myles Dyer/blade376) inspired me to do my own research and inform myself. To quote him "Question everything and everyone." A lot of people I know are siding against the movement. What they don't seem to realize is that the protesters aren't just a bunch of college students or hippies looking for a free handouts. Many of them are people who are tired of working day in and day out just to come home broke. I could turn a blind eye and not worry about it. I live a comfortable life. I don't get everything I want, but I work hard to make sure I have everything I need. I hate my job, but I'm still there because it supplies me with health, dental, and vision insurance, a 401k plan, and it gives me gas money. I choose to not be apathetic towards other people's situations. I choose to let what happens in the world break my heart day after day. When you research (actually research and not just go by what mainstream media says) then you see that the people who are out there protesting actually have valid points. They want to see change. Sure they don't have the solutions, but the doesn't mean that they shouldn't be able to protest. They're out there to draw attention to a matter that the politicians have been ignoring.

Okay, getting off my soapbox for now. I guess that's what has been on my mind the past couple days.

Be Calm.

Apathy has set in really bad lately. I'm not sure if it's the medicine I'm taking or just because I'm so exhausted, but to be honest it's hard for me to really feel emotion. Some days I like it, but it kind of has me scared. I'm happy that I don't have as much anxiety as I have, but I would like to feel something, anything really.

Speaking of anxiety, I had small attack today. I think I handled it well. My chest started hurting and I wanted to cry for no reason, but I got through it without dying. It was the first attack I've had in like a month or so. I hate feeling like I'm crazy or that something is wrong with me. I also hate knowing that I haven't been able to shake this on my own and so I'm having to take medicine every day just to help me get out of bed and face the world with a brave smile.

So that's enough talk about me being crazy and stuff. Let's see here, I saw my mom for the first time in forever the other day! I can't wait until I spend a week with her. THEN going to London. A month can't pass fast enough! I'm just ready to get away from everything for a while. I'm tired and just need time to myself. Anyway, I think this is all I'm going to type for now. I don't know. I'm bored already with writing down my thoughts and trying to communicate how I feel and such. Blah! :)

I leave you with a song I've been pretty much obsessed with lately.

fun. "Be Calm"

If you don't let it our you're gonna let it eat you away.

Lately I've been finding myself in weird moods. Like extremely happy and extremely sad at the same time. I'm fine with how everything in my life is going, but I wish there were some things that were different. A big majority of the time I feel like I'm one big blob of monotony, and other times I can't control what's going on, what I'm thinking; everything comes out at once. My life is one big balancing act. One small thing in either direction and I crack. I guess there's more crazy talk to save for my doctor. I think that's part of the problem, I feel weird being on antidepressants. Like kind of ashamed that I couldn't take care of my own problems by myself. But then again, we can't always carry the burden ourselves. Who knows.

Anyway, Sunday the 29th would have been Alyssa's 21st birthday. I can't believe it! The last time I saw her we were both 19 years old and pretty naive. I guess nothing much has changed for me. I wish I had her attitude some days. She was probably one of the strongest people I've ever known and without her I wouldn't be here today. She held me up every time I felt like falling. I think really only one other person knows how I feel about all that. We've been trying to hold each other up lately and it's kind of working, but I know it would be better if Alyssa were here. I mean, you can't have AAA without all of us. Anyway, I think Sunday I'm just going to think about Alyssa and how wonderful of a friend she was, and still is. I feel her presence at the most random times. It's kind of comforting.

So I just felt like writing about nothing. Here, listen to some Nine Days. . .

Heavy heart on the boulevard tonight. . .

It's been around a month since my last blog post! How did I let all this time slip by? Anyway not much is new around here. Umm, let's see here. I never mentioned much about my follow up with the doctor, so yeah. I went for an Echo test and got the results a while ago. Turns out that yes one of my major arteries is leaking causing my heart to make a boom-whoosh sound. It's not terrible, just something they're going to monitor from here on out. Other than that everything is amazing. The medicine he put me on is finally helping. I switched from taking it during the day to taking it at night and that's made a big improvement. I'm not wanting to scream at people during the day and I've noticed that I'm a lot calmer than I usually am, I don't stress as much, and I sleep a little better.

I did something somewhat exciting over the weekend. Since I've kind of adopted the "live life to the fullest" motto I decided to follow through. I fell from 200 feet the other day and swung forever on a cable, strapped in with a harness. It was something definitely out of character for me, but it was a blast and something I would do in the future. I felt truly alive during that and it was an amazing feeling!

Only 3 more payments left on my London trip. I got my passport in about 2-3 weeks ago, so after May 13th I'm ready to go! I just wish that July would hurry up and get here!! But then again I don't want it here so quick because I have Panic!(and China and Steph) to go meet in May and my sister's graduation to attend in June. I can't believe that we're 4 months into this year, where has all the time gone? They really weren't joking when they said that time flies when you get older.

So, I think that's all I'm going to write for now.



I got so sick of being on my own
Now the devil won't leave me alone
It's almost like I found a friend
Who's in it for the bitter end

Our consciences
Are always so much heavier than our egos
I set my expectations high
So nothing ever comes out right

So shoot a star on a boulevard tonight
I think I'll figure it out
With a little more time
But who needs time

Turn off the lights, turn off the lights
Turn on the charm for me tonight.
I got my heavy heart to hold me down
Once it falls apart,my head's in the clouds
So I'm taking every chance I got
Like the man I know I'm not

So sick of wasting all my time
How in God's name did I survive?
I need a little sympathy
Disarm my insecurities

Our consciences
Are always so much heavier than our egos
I set my expectations high
So nothing ever comes out right

So shoot a star on a boulevard tonight
I think I'll figure it out
With a little more time
But who needs time

Turn off the lights, turn off the lights
Turn on the charm for me tonight.
I got my heavy heart to hold me down
Once it falls apart,my head's in the clouds
So I'm taking every chance I got
Like the man I know I'm not

A heavy heart on the boulevard tonight
Shooting stars watch me fall apart tonight.

Turn off the lights, turn off the lights
Turn on the charm for me tonight.
I got my heavy heart to hold me down
Once it falls apart,my head's in the clouds
So I'm taking every chance I got
Like the man I know I'm not

Insomnia 101

So, here it is almost 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have to be up at 9 so I can be at work by 10. It's going to be a long week, I can already tell.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life. When you're feeling down it's always nice to think about how many people you have supporting you. A majority of my supporters live no where around me. Besides my family here in Alabama the closest one is on the other side of Georgia. These people lift me up and are there for me every day. Any time I need to vent, or cry, or share something amazing, they are there. I know that I am loved and that God put them there to show me I'm never alone. I can conquer the world because I have the most amazing supportive friends and family. I'm going through a tough time right now, but I know that I can make it through. I know life is worth living. It may take some time, but I'll get there eventually.

Speaking of things lifting my spirits, I get to FINALLY meet my best friend!! I've known her since 2008 and in May we'll be meeting each other for the first time. She's definitely been there for me through thick and thin. We met through Panic! at the Disco's fan club Northern Downpour and I guess because of our shared obsession with the band we became good friends. Back in 2009 when I was going through some things she was constantly there for me. I can't thank her enough for being putting up with my late night phone calls and texts. Anyway, in May Panic! is coming to Atlanta and we're both going! I'm so excited and I can't wait!!!

I look back at my late night ramblings sometimes and wonder why I started writing in the first place. I think this is the only time I've actually thought about it while typing. I'm pretty sure none of this is making any sense to anyone but me. Oh well :)

So I think bed definitely a possibility now. Goodwhatever to anyone reading this.

Therapy.

This song sums up everything.


This is something that I hardly ever talk about casually. I usually tend to keep this topic to myself and those who I know I can trust and I feel comfortable with. Right now at this moment I feel the need to just tell the world about my situation, as I'm coming a little more comfortable with it. And besides I doubt hardly anyone reads this thing anyway, so why not?

Anyway, I touched on this in my last blog; my doctor's visit. I didn't go just because of the headaches. For a while now I've been feeling depressed. And I know what most people think: "Ashley, you seem happy all the time. How can you be depressed?" Well the truth is, I know how to put on a brave face. I know how to blend in and not be noticed. I know how to smile even though I feel like breaking down. I also have anxiety/panic attacks on a regular basis and some days I don't even want to get out of bed. So yeah, I'm loony, insane, mad. I'm depressed.

When I saw the doctor he prescribed me some medicine and also referred me to a counselor. I'm nervous about that. I hate talking about myself, my problems, my life. And to know that I'm going to have to spend like an hour or whatever talking about those things scares me. To have to face everything that bothers me and work through everything is like a nightmare. But I know that this is something I have to do. To truly enjoy life I have to get past the things holding me down. That's what I'm going to do. Get rid of all the demons in my closet. Start over. Become a better person. Because do you know what? I deserve it.